


Let's just pretend

by minhos_diamond



Category: Day6 (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Bottom Bang Chan, Choking, Cooking, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Exhibitionism, Feelings Realization, Fights, First Time Blow Jobs, First Times, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Hide and Seek, I Made Myself Cry, Idol universe, Inspired by Music, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Nostalgia, Porn with Feelings, Repressed Memories, Resolved Sexual Tension, Slow Dancing, Smut, Spanking, Top Kang Younghyun | Young K, and a comic, i am so done rn, that one iconic Chan and YoungK Vlive, they're just AWKWARD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:21:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29431626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minhos_diamond/pseuds/minhos_diamond
Summary: Pretending is easy. Or Chan pretends that pretending is easy.So if he stopped, what would be left?
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kang Younghyun | Young K
Comments: 20
Kudos: 85





	Let's just pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! 
> 
> No matter whether you're single or taken: You can read some BriChan brainrot any time. 
> 
> Special thanks to my beta [babychannie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/babychannie/pseuds/babychannie)  
> (I know that it was a lot to edit, I still feel sorry.) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“Hyung, wait.” Chan walks over to sit down on the bed. “Can you teach me?” 

The frame of a blurry person on the bed has been about to get started but stopped after Chan has called them. 

After a while the features become clearer, and Chan can identify his counterpart.

Brian traces the fingers of his left hand over the strings. "How to play the bass?” 

Chan nods. 

“Why?”

“Because I like the bass?” 

A chuckle.

“Are you sure that you don’t just want to learn it because of me?” 

Chan feels the heat creeping up in his cheeks. He opens his mouth to complain but cannot find the right words to object. A little bit frustrated, he turns his head away to break eye contact. 

Brian sets the instrument against the bedside table and leans back, supporting his weight on his hands. “What? Do you want to tell me something?”

“Not really.”

“Come on, Channie.” 

Chan looks up again and thinks randomly that he could just kiss Brian right here, right now. Both of them are in their pajamas and way too tired from training. It is a weird impulse which does not fit this situation at all, so he resists his weird urge.

Brian tilts his head and smirks a bit. He often has this face - this kind of face which seems like he knew some sort of inside joke.

Chan tries to think about a possibility to distract Brian from the current topic. Ultimately he crawls into his lap and presses his stomach against Brian’s thighs. He curls up on his side and purrs in comfort, realizing that he had just needed that feeling of protection. With a little smile he closes his eyes and enjoys how Brian brushes through his curls.

“Wake up, Chan.” 

Jolting, Chan nearly falls back over his chair. Disoriented, he looks around until he understands that he is in his own room. His own room? He holds his head and frowns, gazing at his laptop. Did he save the file he was working on? With shaking fingers he reaches out and sighs, relieved. 

“It’s late.” 

He turns around to see Changbin sitting upright in his bed. Changbin’s hair is all messy; his sleep was probably very agitated. Understandable, trying to sleep in the same room as Chan while he works through another night shift to finish another project is a challenge on another level. It is selfish to stay awake, but sleep and Chan are simply not very good friends.

“Sorry.” Chan is still taken aback from what he dreamed about. Maybe it was even some sort of memory, although he cannot remember whether that incident happened _exactly_ like this. There were too many nights where Brian just sat there with his bass on his bed, smiling irresistibly.

“What is it?” Changbin decreases the volume of his voice as he does not want to wake up Felix. 

Chan hesitates. Yeah, what is it? He has that weird feeling of missing something, _somebody_. Actually he could use a hug right now but that would be a strange request.

“Nothing,” he answers and shuts down his laptop, “I’m sorry. I’ll go to sleep.”

* * *

Chan keeps dreaming about several moments - _those_ moments. It takes him a few days to acknowledge that those are all memories from his trainee days. (So maybe he is not dreaming but actually remembering.)

There is nothing wrong with that in particular, however, the weird thing is that Brian appears every single time. They were roommates back then, but Chan does not understand why he would be thinking about that all of a sudden. 

Sometimes he sees Brian when he walks through the corridors of the JYP building on the way to the studio. Usually Brian is busy with vocal classes and training, so Chan rarely talks to him. It would be no problem to approach him, but Chan does not dare to interrupt someone’s training session for awkward small talk. 

That bothers Chan because he is actually good at smalltalk. But with all of these vague and irritating thoughts in his mind he can picture himself stumbling over his words if he talked to Brian. An embarrassing scenario which should remain as an imagery.

“Don’t think too much about it,” he murmurs to himself one night as he sits in front of his open laptop, trying to get some damn bars done. 

He buries his face in his hands. Sometimes the pressure, the stress, just _life_ pulls his chest together and then he shrinks to make himself as small as possible, too tired to face today's challenges.

Slowly he raises his head, looks at an uninteresting spot on the tabletop and starts humming the melody of the track he has been working on, even though the speakers are silent. Something rustles as he runs his feet across the floor and he realizes that he still has not picked up the pile of papers which was knocked over earlier.

He closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath, unable to move a muscle.

Everything goes in slow motion as he raises his hand after almost an infinity to pull the keyboard out from under the table. He reverently traces along the structure of black and white, eliciting gentle tones from the keys here and there. However, they do not even begin to fit together harmoniously.

Ultimately, he lowers his eyelids, surrounding himself in the darkness, which in turn forces him to rely on the rest of his senses. At that moment he perceives himself as a mere source of energy, which lingers sporadically in this room. The flicker of that energy is steadily dying away, which is hard to ignore but he is too tired to care.

“Ah shit, tomorrow’s Sunday,” he mumbles. He promised Stays that he would bring a special guest soon, but he has not asked one of the members yet. 

He decides to pack up and leave the studio. It might be past midnight but he knows that he is not able to work any longer. So perhaps the better option is to get some sleep and wake up earlier tomorrow to finish the rest of his tasks.

Abruptly he stops as he hears singing. It takes him a few seconds longer to identify the song as “Fly Me To The Moon”. He recognizes the voice immediately, how could he not? He has listened to this specific cover many times already. 

After a brief moment of faltering he follows the sound and discovers the streak of light on the floor. Slowly, he comes closer and peeks through the gap which is left open by the door. He presses himself against the wall and leans his head further to the side, eventually catching a glimpse of Brian. 

Brian’s eyes are closed as he swings with the music, small hand gestures accompanying his singing. His shifts and runs are effortless and smooth. Listening to him feels like sitting on a boat in the night, swaying with the water in the perfect rhythm. 

Chan’s heart melts at every note and he catches himself smiling like an idiot. He clenches his hands around the frame of the door as Brian starts imitating a trumpet. It is fascinating what kind of sounds come out of him. Chan never stops to question how many skills this man has.

Brian finishes and turns around in a smooth motion.

Instantly Chan pulls his head back and buries his face between his hands. 

“Just because you can’t see me doesn’t mean that I can’t see you.”

Especially because of Chan's fire red hair, but well, trying does not hurt. Chan clears his throat and stands up before entering the room. “Right. Sorry for that.” He leans against the wall. “It’s late. What are you still doing here?”

“Oh, just practicing a bit. I don’t feel like going home, yet,” Brian explains and sits on the edge of the table, “What ‘bout you?”

“Working on some tracks. As always.” 

“I see. Good, you’re working hard.”

Chan feels how his cheeks tingle as he remembers his dream-memories about Brian. His breathing quickens a bit and he tries to swallow that lump in his throat. “So … that trumpet sound … how do you do that?”

“Huh? Oh, that.” Brian smiles. “Practice, practice and practice. It’s a lot of pressure coming out of your mouth and you need to control the air properly. Or else it sounds like a fart.”

Chan giggles at the explanation. “Then I should maybe stay in the production line.”

“I mean, you’re still good with your mouth.”

The words feel like a punch to Chan’s guts. He covers his mouth with his hand and tries to hide the dark shade of red on his face by lowering his head.

Brian gasps quietly and gives a nervous laugh. “Ah, yeah, that came out wrong.” He coughs awkwardly and takes a sip from his water bottle. “I mean singing-wise and … and you rap too. That’s cool.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Chan mumbles and avoids eye contact. 

Since when has it been so awkward between the two of them? 

Suddenly he feels breathing on his cheek and looks up, suppressing his panic because the Brian’s face is way too close. 

“What is it with you?” Brian supports his forearm next to Chan’s head, examining the flustered expression. He frowns and leans forward.

Chan puts the hand on Brian's chest and pushes him gently back. “I wanted to ask whether you’d like to join my vlive tomorrow,” he says spontaneously.

Surprised, Brian lifts an eyebrow. “Oh, really? For kind of a special guest episode?” 

“Yeah, yeah, exactly.” Chan digs his nails into the hem of his shirt and presses his head against the cold wall. His heart beats fast enough to potentially burst out of his chest any second. He is afraid that the other might notice it.

Brian smiles fondly. “Sure. Why not?” He lifts his hand and trails his fingers along Chan’s cheekbone. “It’d be nice to spend more time together again. Like back in the old days.”

Chan’s skin is on fire and there is no way that Brian does not notice it too. He feels strangely exposed in this position although they still do have a certain distance; they are barely touching each other, after all. “I missed you,” he utters and bites his tongue because that was definitely not supposed to come out of his mouth.

A bit astonished but also pleased Brian hums. “Didn’t expect that you still think about me.”

What does that mean? Of course Chan does. How could he ever forget all those memories they collected over a span of nearly a decade? He is focused on his current career but he has never lost his roots, his memories, his feelings.

Brian places his palm on Chan’s face and runs circles with his thumb over the skin. 

Chan lets his shoulder sink and molds into the gesture, closing his eyes. He sighs at the loving touch and reaches out for Brian’s wrist. “Why wouldn’t I?” he whispers and looks up at him again. 

Before Brian can respond a buzzing sound interrupts them. He steps back and takes a look around until he finds his phone. He grabs it and picks up the call. 

“Hello.” Pause. “No, it’s all good. I just wanted to stay longer. Hmh.” Pause. “Okay, then I’ll come back.” Quickly he puts his phone away and takes his jacket from the chair. “Sorry, I have to go,” he apologizes and takes Chan’s hand for a short moment, “Let’s meet here again tomorrow. Right before your vlive?”

Chan just nods and watches how Brian leaves him behind. An empty feeling crawls up inside of him. 

“Time to go home, I guess,” he mumbles and turns off the lights.

* * *

“You’re leaving earlier than usual,” Felix points out. 

Chan looks at the clock and sees that it is only 6 p.m. He is too jittery, too nervous, too agitated to stay any longer here. He has been rewinding to yesterday’s event multiple times to relive it from every possible angle, has tried to remember every glance, every word, every touch as vividly as possible. He feels like he is starving and needs to go back _now._ This kind of yearning has been haunting him for a while but now that he got a small taste of it he wants more. Way more. 

“Yeah, I want to finish some work before starting the vlive,” he explains.

“Don’t overwork yourself,” Changbin warns him. 

Chan promises and leaves. 

With every step he becomes more impatient. The known route to the JYP building feels longer than ever and he fights the urge to just run like a maniac through the streets. He is not even sure whether Brian is already there but he would prefer to arrive earlier anyways. His hands are cramped up, grasping the straps of his backpack just to keep his fingers still. 

The warmth of the entrance hall greets him and he takes off his beanie, leaving his hair all messy. He ruffles through it as he makes his way up to the practice room.

Nobody is there yet so he takes a few moments to simply calm down. There is no need to be this hectic. He knows Brian. He knows him well and even better than most people assume. 

He has no idea when Brian will arrive so he starts scribbling in his leather notebook. It is a constant companion since he might come up with the craziest lines in the weirdest places. 

He spreads out on the couch and starts staring at the ceiling, just letting his thoughts twirl without any destination. 

After a while he thinks that his head might be just empty, so he tries it with a melody. 

There is a piano in the practice room, and although he is not the best at playing it he knows the basic skills to build the foundations of a song. The reason why he understands harmonies so well is because of his experiences with this instrument after all. There are certain sequences of chords he likes to use, and maybe he shifts the tune of them eventually. But there is a reason why he would create something like “Voices” and call it the brother of “Hellevator”. They share the same core yet they have their individual characteristics and messages. Music is extremely versatile hence he could never ever get sick of it. 

Lyrics are important and difficult to write, but Chan mostly works on instrumentals before trying to fit the lyrics from his notebook to them. The production part is simply more complex and needs more attention. Besides, he is convinced that successful songs start off with a good melody.

He gets lost in the soft tones of the piano as he tries different combinations, different rhythms, different harmonies. With a soft voice he tries to accompany his playing with a little bit of singing, which sounds more like sighing because it does not quite fit yet. 

Suddenly he feels a presence behind him, but he does not look up. Instead he stares at the fingers which join his. They play hesitant and delicate notes. 

Chan smiles and keeps playing, occasionally brushing, tickling, caressing the hands until he leans back and closes his eyes, breathing in the scent he has been missing. “Didn’t know that you play piano.”

“I only know what Wonpil has shown me and that’s not a lot. Believe me.” Brian sits down next to him on the bench. “Have you been waiting for long?”

Chan thinks so but he does not want to make Brian feel guilty. Therefore, he shakes his head. “I’m just glad that you could make it.” He continues playing and includes a simple, sweet melody.

Brian places his chin on Chan’s shoulder and listens attentively. His company is warm and comforting. 

Chan wishes to mold into his embrace, however, he tries to focus more on the piano. His fingertips brush lightly over the keys as he thinks about how to continue. He is not the best at improvising and he should feel maybe a bit embarrassed to be stared at. 

But he is not. He wishes that they could stay like this forever, that close without crossing any boundaries, without entering dangerous territory, without worrying about _anything._ A peaceful smile forms on Chan’s lips as he finds another way to proceed with his composition.

“You should practice more and then you can join the band,” Brian chuckles.

Chan turns his head to look at him. “I don’t think that I’m good with handling instruments on stages.”

“Funny since you literally auditioned with a guitar.” 

Chan is too concentrated on their conversation (and Brian’s face) to continue playing, which ends up in him tapping the keys absently. “Yeah, kinda didn’t think about that,” he admits, “But my audition was somehow good enough to get in."

They return back to silence, following their respective chains of thoughts. The sound of the piano fades into nothing.

“You were so young when you auditioned. When I saw you the first time I was a bit shocked,” Brian whispers, “You were so …”

“Yeah?”

“Frail. I thought that …” He stops and just looks at Chan’s face or particularly his slightly open mouth. 

Before Chan can think he shifts forward and pecks Brian’s lips. When he sees Brian's shocked expression he scoots away, ashamed.

Brian stares at him, a mixture of emotions displaying in his eyes. Then his gaze softens a bit. “That was pretty reckless of you.”

“I know.” Chan stands up. “You don’t have to do this vlive with me." 

Brian catches his wrist. “No, no, no. Why are you walking away? This isn’t the first time, after all.”

No, it is not. They have kissed before, gasped into each other’s mouths and were irresponsible _together_. 

Back then Chan was young and frustrated because he thought that he would never debut. Those few moments where he could just let himself be kissed senseless kept him sane. He wanted to forget all of his worries and his self-doubt in Brian's arms. It felt like the only way to escape that dark hole of loneliness. 

Maybe it was egoistic but Brian had no problem with being devoured by Chan's sadness. He held him many times, assuring that he would be happy to do this their whole life. 

But now it is different. _They_ are different. Both of them have responsibilities. They just cannot be that selfish anymore, no matter what they desire.

With every action that stirs up the past Chan becomes desperate again, longing for something which he cannot have. He knows that what they do does not lead to anything. They are not allowed to touch each other like that

Chan is sure that it is not even allowed for Brian to look at him like that: pining and full of adoration. Brian's eyes have this fondness, yet they basically undress Chan shamelessly. 

It makes Chan feel small and vulnerable, which should be a forgotten sensation. It is cursed. He should stop wanting it.

“Listen, I’m sorry, Chan. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable," Brian finally manages to say, "I just got caught up in … memories, I guess."

Chan looks back with tears forming in his eyes. “I know.” He hugs himself protectively.

Brian rises and takes his hand carefully. “Come on, you don’t want to greet your fans all upset, hm?” He leads him away from the piano and grabs his phone. He searches for something before setting the device down on the table. 

Music sounds through the room and he hums along it. He guides Chan’s hands over his own torso up to his chest, a smile on his face as the reddish colour on Chan’s pale cheeks darkens. He lifts Chan’s hand towards his mouth and brushes soft kisses over the back of it before looping Chan's arms around his neck.

Chan avoids eye contact but steps a bit closer.

Brian sings “Fly Me To The Moon” once again, a lot softer than yesterday. He does not sing for practice but for Chan. _Only_ for Chan.

Chan can feel how his heart swells up. He is too shy to look directly at Brian’s face, so he just leans his head against Brian’s shoulder and closes his eyes. Slowly he is able to relax and listen to the voice right next to his ear. The hold around his waist is loose but warm, nearly protective. 

He remembers how they did something similar back then, in the dorms on a boring evening. It was one of the first times Chan noticed that something between them was different, although he could not pin it down. He cannot even do it now but it feels good and right, so why should he stop? 

Brian inhales audibly. As he exhales he pulls Chan closer and buries his face into the crook of Chan's neck. He spoons Chan up a bit to bring him as close as possible. Lovingly, he trails his mouth along Chan's neck and leaves a small kiss behind Chan’s ear. His hand wanders up, following the lines of Chan's back muscles in an adoring, almost polite way. Then he leans back just enough to look at Chan’s face.

“So, are you ready now?” 

During the vlive Chan is in a genuinely good mood. First he teases Stays about the special guest while Brian is sitting out of the frame. As Brian slowly rolls in Chan cannot suppress a grin.

They fool around a lot, listen to songs, gush over each other’s albums and make more jokes, which cause Chan to hide his face behind the bright sleeves of his baggy shirt. It is a lot of fun and he is able to stop thinking about what happened before the vlive (and what might happen after).

But there is a moment where the mood drops a bit again. Chan does not know why he thinks that it is a good idea to bring up how he cried during one of Day6's songs. Especially because the line Brian sings makes him cry the most.

Brian seems flustered. He lifts his eyebrows in surprise when Chan mentions that he cried all alone because he could relate that much to the lyrics.

Afterwards Chan just plays the song and remembers how the tears rolled down his cheeks without any control, how he pressed his lips together to hold back any sounds (because he was the only one crying), how the lyrics stabbed right through his heart. The music still has this kind of effect on him, but since they are live he is able to fight back the urge to just let everything out. 

He wants to come out of the mood drop and return back to his fun, joyful self, but his stomach feels heavy. 

It is a huge relief to end the vlive.

“Thank you, Stays! Thank you, baby Stays. And thank you, Mydays, for watching us today,” he says, waving. 

They figure out a pose for their goodbye, and then they can finally lean back and relax. 

Chan sighs relieved once the camera is turned off. "So I looked like a doll to you?" he says, amused. He does not want silence to come up again. 

Brian lifts an eyebrow and smirks. "Yeah, you were so … petite. Can't believe you've built up so many muscles." 

Chan spins a bit on his chair and then stands up. He kicks off his shoes and sits down on Brian's lap. "Then you should touch them to check." He does not know where this kind of confidence comes from but the vlive has been riling him up in such a weird way. He needs to express that somehow.

“Is that so? I don’t think you should push your limits too much,” Brian says, “I don’t want you to regret anything.” He leans back in the chair and holds onto Chan’s waist to stabilize him. “It’s all more complicated now,” he mumbles.

Chan scoots closer and opens the first buttons of Brian’s grey shirt, a bit hesitant. “Then let’s pretend that it wasn't.” He refuses to face Brian directly, rather staring at his shaking fingers because looking someone in the eye makes him feel like an open book.

He closes his eyes and attaches his lips to Brian’s jawline, pulling him closer by his collar. 

Brian’s hand rests on his back and caresses it comfortingly. “You said that you related to ‘I Need Somebody’. Do you still feel like this?” The volume of his voice goes down with every word. “I mean … do you still feel all alone?”

Chan does not answer and peppers the neck in front of him with light kisses. He breathes against the skin and notices with satisfaction that he causes goosebumps with his actions. A wave of anticipation rears inside him; he has been missing this sensation for too long. 

His fingertips brush over Brian’s shoulders, seeking for a good place to rest. In the end he wraps one arm around his neck and lets his other hand travel downwards, drawing a line from Brian’s collarbones over his chest to his stomach. 

“Chan. You didn’t answer me.”

Chan stops briefly and looks up. “Sometimes I do. Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

Brian furrows his brow and forms a small “o” with his lips. His hand rests on Chan’s thigh but his fingers are becoming a bit twitchy. “Really? I … wow, okay. I mean, I think about you too, uh … sometimes.” He falls silent, obviously not sure how to continue their conversation. 

Chan presses his flat hand against Brian's crotch and breaks the silence: “You think about me? How?” He drags his fingernail along the outline of Brian’s dick, teasing him just a bit so he can focus more on their conversation.

“Just … you, I guess? I don’t know. I listen to your music and then I just think about you,” Brian mumbles, his breath stuttering as Chan decides to put more pressure between his legs. His knees shake a bit and he holds onto the armrests while leaning back further. 

“Don’t you miss that?” Chan whispers and can feel that he is becoming hard as well beneath his oversized shirt. He begins rutting against Brian’s thigh, letting out a shaky gasp until he chokes it down by biting his own hand.

“Don’t do that,” Brian says and takes Chan's wrist, “You’ll hurt yourself.” 

Chan’s face is flushed already, red spreading over his cheeks to his ears. Sitting here arouses him in such an infatuating way, although both of them still wear all of their clothes. He does not think that he could ever satisfy himself like that. He keeps humping Brian’s thigh and kisses all over Brian's face, panting when the friction hits his erection at a good angle. 

Brian’s grip on the armrests tightens and he lifts his legs up so Chan is able to slide closer to him. He puts his hand on Chan’s face and brushes his thumb gently over the skin. “Can I kiss you?”

Chan does not even reply and basically slams his mouth against Brian’s. He kisses Brian desperately, and does not even hesitate to slip his tongue inside. Impatiently he shifts back and forth, grabbing Brian's shoulders.

Brian returns the kiss with the same amount of passion and slides both of his hands into Chan’s hair. Instead of tugging or pulling it, he only ruffles through the strands gently and starts smiling.

Chan does not know why, but the smile against his lips makes him giggle. He places several kisses on Brian's open mouth, constantly interrupted by his own laughter.

The chair rolls back until they hit the wall, and Chan would totally apologize to Wally but he is too busy devouring Brian’s kisses like he was starving. 

Brian lets his hands travel upwards, lifting up the hem of Chan’s shirt. He cooes as he touches the soft, smooth skin. 

“Fuck, I need to suck you off,” Chan decides and pushes Brian back. His face is hot and there is drool running down his chin, it is embarrassingly obvious how much he yearns for more.

“What?” Brian looks at him in disbelief.

Chan slides down between his legs and chuckles. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

His hand strokes over the inside of Brian’s thigh. He is kind of proud to see the tent in Brian’s pants, knowing he is the reason for it - the reason why Brian is out of breath, nearly ripping out the armrest is Chan. He likes to pretend that it connects them and that Brian is just as dependent on him. 

“It’s just …” Brian bites his lower lip. “Do you really think that this is a good idea?”

Chan’s face is graced by an alluring smile. He traces his fingers along Brian’s leg lovingly, his eyes full of adoration and lust. “Absolutely positive,” he purrs. 

A nearly dramatic sigh escapes Brian. “I think I’ll have to respectfully disagree. Don’t people barge in all the time?” he asks, concerned as he wipes the sweat from his forehead.

Chan sits down on his legs and shrugs lightly. “Hmmm, not exactly. Besides, the door’s locked.” 

“You locked the door?”

Chan just grins.

“If we get caught people will think that _I_ am the weird one.” Brian frowns, still indecisive about their current position.

Actually, Chan likes that a lot. For the first time in forever he would not be blamed for something. Being in charge all the time means that he has to think about consequences before deciding anything. To be suddenly free from that responsibility makes his heart rate shoot up. 

He wants to be reckless again, just like back when he decided on his 18th birthday that he has had enough of all the unresolved tension. He remembers too well how Brian told him that Chan has cake smeared all over his face, just to be kissed out of the blue. It was a weird mixture of vanilla cream and Brian’s spit, but still very addicting. 

Sitting between Brian’s legs brings back those memories of the two of them being trapped between their morals and their rationality. 

“You _are_ the weird one,” Chan responds and unbuckles Brian’s belt, “Just relax. It’s late and nobody will notice.” 

He wants to stay confident, but in fact he has no idea what he is doing. He hesitates for just a moment before he decides that there is no use in being nervous. After all, Brian would never make fun of him. 

With agonizing slowness, he pulls down Brian’s pants. He licks his hand and reaches inside to pull out Brian's dick. Experimentally, he runs his tongue over the tip and shudders slightly as he catches some precum. 

Finally, he opens his mouth and closes his lips around Brian's hard-on. He is a bit overwhelmed by the weight of it on his tongue. He parts his lips further, working his hand over the shaft at the same time.

Brian hisses and holds Chan's head. He sighs as Chan sinks down and brushes through Chan's hair.

Chan does not go far and pulls back before it gets too uncomfortable. He tries it a few more times until he is a bit more used to the new feeling. 

Brian holds back a moan and arches his back a bit. "Holy shit," he whispers with a broken voice. 

That fuels Chan's ego tremendously, and he decides to tease Brian a bit more. He drags his tongue along the underside of his length, savouring the taste of every inch. 

Brian groans and pulls Chan closer. 

Chan chuckles and rests his head against Brian's thigh. "Remember when you didn't want my mouth on your dick?" 

A rattling breath escapes Brian. "Yeah, I was a fuckin' idiot." 

Chan rubs his cheek against his leg and closes his eyes. "Uh-huh," he simply answers before continuing. 

With every moan from Brian, Chan has more and more fun with trying different angles, running his tongue over the tip down to the balls and using both of his hands to either jerk Brian off or caress his legs. Chan observes with satisfaction how Brian’s dick grows the longer he warms it with his mouth. 

He spits on the tip to make the glide easier and puts Brian's dick back into his mouth. Tentatively, he dips his head down and pulls up back again. He repeats that motion until his neck starts to hurt. As he looks up he wonders what Brian is thinking.

Brian is too mesmerized watching Chan. He only has enough active brain cells to pet Chan's head or massage Chan's scalp. He recognizes that Chan likes the silent praise so he wonders whether the reaction would be stronger if he used words. But his throat is too dry to even whisper. The feeling around his dick is exhilarating, and he cannot stop pining for the way Chan strokes his legs or puts both hands around his dick. 

Chan has beautiful, small hands, perfect to wrap around Brian. His fingers are slender and long; they look too pretty on Brian’s dick, thighs, _everywhere_. His loving touches are what Brian gets off to; he forgets about the warm wetness around his length from time to time.

Chan blows against his dick and giggles when Brian trembles. He lowers his head even further and starts kissing his balls. He sucks them softly and drags the heel of his palms over his thighs.

Brian takes his hands and intertwines their fingers which causes Chan to back off, a bit flustered. Finally Brian manages to choke out some words: “You’re so beautiful.”

Chan's pale cheeks are like a canvas which is painted by red blotches - a breathtaking piece of art - and Brian feels like he should pay to see him like this.

Instead of replying, Chan pulls his shirt over his head and drops it next to him onto the floor. His chest is as firm as the muscles on his trained arms - Brian does not know where to look first. 

For now his eyes linger on the puffy, sensitive lips, which are back on his dick. Chan makes some lewd slurping noises, probably not on purpose since he blushes even harder. He closes his eyes and starts bobbing his head.

Brian senses how his climax is building up so he grabs Chan’s shoulders. “Wait, I’m about to come.”

“That’s good,” Chan mumbles, his lips still attached to the tip, “Kind of the point of this whole thing.” 

“But what about you?” Brian cannot ignore the visible bulge in Chan’s pants. Chan has not even touched himself once and it makes Brian shiver to think that he was too caught up in sucking him off. Why is everything about Chan so endearing and caring?

“Oh, uh ... I can make you come first and then we’ll see.”

Brian frowns because that seems unfair to him. “Can we try something?” he asks.

Surprised Chan looks up. “Huh? Uhm … sure.” He stands up with shaky knees and supports himself on Brian’s shoulder.

Brian clumsily shifts them towards one of the armchairs, ignoring his pants hanging around his ankles.

Chan sits down on the leather and yelps as Brian pushes his legs back. 

Brian props his knees on the edge of the armchair and shuffles Chan out of his pants and underwear. Then he shifts closer, basically folding Chan in half. “You’re a lot more flexible than expected,” he comments and lets his eyes roam over the trained body. 

“Don’t just stare,” Chan mumbles and crosses his arms in front of his chest since he wants to protect his nipples from the cold air.

“Couldn’t help it.” Brian takes Chan’s dick in his hand and circles his thumb over the slit.

Chan moans shakily and bites his lower lip. His knees are twitching and shaking already, so Brian holds him steady with his free hand. 

“You’re so sensitive,” he mumbles and moves his fingers along the length, only giving enough pressure to tease but not satisfy him.

“I’ve just sucked you off. What did you expect?” Chan huffs and throws his head back as Brian presses his own dick against Chan’s. 

Brian hesitates for a second and then starts jerking both of them off. 

Chan tries to muffle his sound by pressing his hand on his mouth, but it does not help much. Ultimately he pulls Brian closer and latches their mouths. Maybe he is too corny but he thinks that they both really fit like a key and a lock. He gasps every now and then because of the warm hand around his dick while unbuttoning Brian’s shirt. With a little pout he tugs on the dark t-shirt beneath Brian’s button up.

Brian interrupts his stroking for a few seconds to get rid of his shirt as well. He starts kissing Chan’s neck and wanders down to his defined collarbones. He leaves wet, shiny spots and smiles as Chan’s panting becomes more frantic. 

Brian comes first and lets go off his own dick. He feels a bit dizzy and holds on to the wall while his orgasm waves through his body, crushing any sense of conscience because _fuck,_ he cannot remember he came this hard in the past weeks, no, probably months. His legs are about to give out from the way his abdomen contracts, causing him to curl up. For a moment he forgets that he needs to breathe in case he does not want to pass out. 

He is brought back to reality when Chan whines. Brian starts moving his hand around Chan’s erection again, kissing his chest and nipples.

Chan wraps his legs around Brian’s waist and pulls him closer, nearly mewling at the sensation around his buds. 

Brian pinches one of them softly and begins sucking on the other. He bathes in the sweet noises of the man beneath him, putting more pressure on both sides of Chan’s chest. 

Chan hides his face in Brian’s shoulder as his orgasm flicks through his whole body, from head to toe, making him tremble like crazy. He seems like he forgets how to breathe out and only chokes on air until Brian hugs him and strokes through his hair soothingly.

Chan slumps down and tries to steady his breathing. 

In the meantime Brian admires his face, which is exhausted but satisfied, his mouth slightly open, sweat rolling like pearls down his temples, his eyes half lidded and his chest rising and falling in a stuttering pattern. 

“Made you all dirty,” Chan mumbles apologetically. Brian thinks there is nothing to apologize for when he looks like _this._

Brian smiles and grabs some tissues out of his bag. “That’s fine. I’m fine.” 

He is more than fine. He thinks that he could just shoot through the roof with the way his heart is pumped up like a hot-air balloon. He cleans both of them off before putting on his underwear. 

Chan puts on his shirt first, probably because he feels cold around his arms. But then he makes grabby hands, asking for cuddles like he needed them urgently. Those armchairs are not exactly comfortable, nevertheless, he seems to pine for that kind of intimacy.

Brian is aware of that and sits down on the armchair to pull him into his lap again. 

Chan leans against him and closes his eyes. 

There are so many things to say, starting from the way Chan rolls up in his arms, vulnerable and fragile, to the warmth of his hands which are clutching onto Brian’s shirt. But Brian cannot organize any of these thoughts, so he only leans forward to press a kiss to Chan’s forehead. He tries to minimize their distance as much as possible and rests the side of his face against Chan’s head. 

The peaceful quiet is interrupted by a shrill alarm. 

Chan’s head shoots up, frightened, until he realizes that the source of noise is Brian’s phone. He frowns and stands up before taking the noisy device. He looks over his shoulder to see that Brian is collecting his clothes. Apparently Brian expects to leave now. 

Some sort of weird anger boils inside of Chan and he picks up the call. “Hello, YoungK’s secretary here?”

Brian whirls around and steps towards Chan. “What are you doing?” he hisses.

“Oh, sorry, he’s busy right now. Do you want to leave a message?”

Brian snatches the phone out of Chan's hand. “Hello?” His eyes widen in shock. “Oh! Yeah, absolutely. No, no, it’s not too late. Don’t worry. I’m on my way.” He hangs up and puts his phone inside of his pocket. “Are you crazy?!” he blares, “You cannot just talk to my manager like that!”

Chan presses his lips together trying to search for a good excuse. He has none. “It was just a joke …”

“That was extremely careless of you! What if he noticed something?” Brian growls, packing up with a tense attitude. 

Chan looks down to the floor, realizing that he fucked this up big time. “I’m sorry,” he whispers and turns away.

Brian sighs. “Chan …”

“Don’t you have to go?” Somehow Chan wishes that Brian would stay to resolve the conflict but there is obviously no time. It is not surprising that the door falls shut without any other word.

It still hurts. 

* * *

Ever since Stray Kids debuted Chan has been feeling a lot happier than his past trainee self. His new family dragged him out of this hole of loneliness. He does not like to call it depression, because that sounds scary to him. 

He has seen what kind of routes people go if they are stuck with dark thoughts. They hurt themselves over and over again in every way possible because they think that they deserve it. 

He does not want to be like this.

There are rarely any phases where he feels truly lonely. His downfalls nowadays are not comparable to those he had during his trainee days. But this empty feeling which has been haunting him since the vlive with Brian is similar to the pain from back then. He certainly did not miss it. 

It is sad to say that he has a lot of practice in hiding his real condition. Although his heart breaks apart in a gruesome way he is still able to get up, eat with the others, train with the others, talk to the others, laugh with the others. There are just short moments he zones out, and that is not too extraordinary. 

Today he stays longer in the dance practice room to sweat out all of his worries. He just needs to cause his muscles more pain than his heart and then maybe, _maybe_ he can live for a few minutes peacefully without wasting any more thoughts about Brian’s scent, Brian’s smile, Brian’s hands on his body.

Chan stops and bangs his head against the cold mirror. His forehead pulses heavily as he sinks against his reflection and slides down to his knees. He sits on the floor, tired, and stares at himself. His proximity to the mirror blurs his reflection - it is kind of how he feels right now. All of his emotions are a weird, distinct mixture. He cannot differentiate them from each other, and not being able to describe his feelings just makes the situation worse. 

The door opens and he thinks that it is maybe Changbin or Minho or Felix, coming to tell him that he should stop practicing.

“Chan? We need to talk.”

He raises his head and groans, nearly in annoyance when he sees Brian’s face. He turns away and pulls his knees towards his chest, obviously not ready at all for _that_ conversation. What could they even talk about? Chan has fucked up and that is it. He would apologize, but he does not yet have strength to do so. 

Brian sits down on the floor a few feet away from him. “Come on, don’t be like this.”

Chan lifts his head and looks at Brian through the mirror. 

“Look, I’m sorry that I was so harsh to you. I was just angry because I thought that-”

“Wait, why are _you_ apologizing?” Chan questions, flustered.

Irritated, Brian tilts his head. “Well, you’ve been avoiding me all this time.”

Chan frowns. “Yeah, because I thought that you didn’t want to see me.” 

“Why would I think like this? I was worried about you.”

Chan turns around and stares at him in disbelief. _Worried_ about him? He has been hiding everything behind this facade of normality. Why should anybody be worried about him? “I don’t understand you.”

“Likewise.” Brian sighs heavily. “I just … I realized that it was also unfair to leave after … everything. I should’ve been there for you. Must’ve felt shitty to be alone.”

“Yeah, it was pretty shitty.” Chan lifts his shoulders and moves to sit down next to Brian. He is still frustrated and angry, but he has no clue why. Regardless, he tilts Brian’s face and kisses him softly for a few moments. It is a stark contrast to the heat inside of his body.

Brian returns the kiss and puts his hand on Chan’s waist. “Is that your way of saying ‘I forgive you’?” He smiles at the pink tint on Chan’s cheeks.

“Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know anything.” Chan just keeps kissing him but Brian backs off a bit.

“Well, then maybe we should talk.”

Chan does not have the nerve to talk. He misses this warmth, this sort of comfort. Being intimate with Brian allows him to be more vulnerable. This kind of trust is different and still unknown territory. It feels like he is losing some part of himself which can only be reattached if he spends more time like this. 

“Chan?” 

He does not listen and chooses to kiss Brian's neck instead. His hand wanders down Brian’s chest and grips one of his pecs, which elicits a hiss. His hunger for this type of affection seems insatiable as he wonders whether to open Brian’s jacket or belt first. In the end he goes for the jacket, as he thinks that it might get too hot in here soon. 

Brian grabs his wrist and stops him.

“Please fuck me,” Chan sputters. 

Brian’s jaw falls basically onto the floor. “Huh?” he mumbles, overwhelmed or even frightened by the sudden request. There is slight panic written in his eyes as well, caused by worries about entering unknown areas.

Chan looks at him pleadingly, indicating that he needs more _now._

“But … I don’t have anything with me,” Brian stutters, still in disbelief. 

It is not his fault but Chan cannot resist to give him the sad eyes.

“Oh, Channie. Come on, that’s not fair. You know that I wouldn’t say no if we were in a different situation.”

Chan brightens. The only thing missing is a swaying tail and pricked up dog ears. “Really?”

Brian wonders if Chan has ever looked into the mirror properly. He oozes charisma and attractiveness through every pore of his body, being all tiny and cute but also independent, strong - physically _and_ mentally - and (most of the time) responsible. 

Chan is a leader yet he openly shows that he wants to give Brian control to at least a certain extent. There is nothing more flattering, and he would like to just pet Chan’s head and tell him that he was a good boy. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t go from 0 to 100 anymore. It gives me a heart attack,” Brian says.

“Right …” Chan scratches the back of his head. “So …?”

“How about we spend more time together again?” Brian suggests, “I’m free next week, so you can come by.” 

Pleased, Chan hugs him. “I’d love to.” 

* * *

Chan tries to process over the next few days what has happened because frankly it is surreal that he and Brian want to return to their old habits. 

Back then Chan used to visit every now and then, but it became less and less frequent since Brian had obviously a lot to do. He is responsible for a lot of writing, after all, and is asked for help all of the time.

Chan remembers that it was always a lot of trouble to find any privacy because Brian always had his members around him. Now everyone in Day6 has their own room; Chan wonders whether that changes anything. 

There is a strange twist in his stomach. He still floats in uncertainty because he has no idea what their reinstated interactions and meetings might lead to. He does not want to overthink but he cannot help remembering how disappointed he was when he realized that Brian had no more time to see him. Their ways started to part, and yes, Chan is aware that it just happens, but that does not make him hate it less. 

He wants to sink into the floor when he stands in front of the door to Day6’s dorms, hesitating to knock because there would be no going back. This feels like entering the cave of the Face Stealer in Avatar: The Last Airbender, forcing him to maintain a neutral face.

“Come on, don’t be like that,” he encourages himself and taps his knuckles lightly against the door. He hears steps from the inside and twenty seconds later the door is opened.

It is Jae, who smiles at him. “Oh hey! Cool that you’re here.” He steps aside and lets Chan enter the small corridor. 

Chan hangs his jacket on the wardrobe and takes off his sneakers before placing them into the shoe rack. He follows Jae into the living room and looks around. He has not been here very often, so it still feels weird and foreign.

“Brian’s still showering,” Jae tells him.

“Alright.” Chan sits down on the couch and watches Jae, who packs his bag. 

“Where are you going?”

“Outside to meet some friends,” Jae answers.

Chan looks around. “Is nobody else here?”

“Nope. The others are either out too, or at the company to practice. But we forced Brian to stay home because he’s been working on many songs lately,” Jae explains, “You can wait in Brian’s room if you want to.” He waves goodbye and then leaves the flat.

Chan stands up and enters Brian’s room. After a quick look around he drops onto the bed and starts scrolling through his phone. 

He thinks about posting some of his Instagram drafts but he never goes through with it, no matter how long he considers tapping the share button. His selcas are not the greatest; he has no clue about his best angle or the lighting. But he knows that the fans like his pictures and that matters the most. 

He raises his head when the door opens, but quickly turns his gaze away as if he had not seen Brian naked many times before.

“Oh, hey. You're early.” Brian comes over and brushes through Chan’s hair to expose his forehead. He kisses it softly.

Chan can feel the water drops falling onto his skin and closes his eyes. “Yeah … I didn’t think that I’d need so little time to get here.”

“You probably couldn’t wait to see me, huh?” Brian mocks and goes over to his closet to pull out some sweatpants and a t-shirt. 

Chan does not want to admit that there is some truth behind those words, so he just stares at the ceiling waiting for Brian to get dressed. “I thought that we could cook something,” he says eventually and points to the bag with groceries he has brought, “I mean, if you’re hungry. I thought about making gukbap.” 

A glow in Brian’s eyes appear. “I swear to God, I love you.”

Chan knows that those words are not meant literally but he still busts with joy. He takes the bag with the groceries and hands them to Brian.

They walk together into the kitchen while Brian inspects the contents of the bag. “You even bought kimchi.” He sets the bag onto the counter. “I should just worship you for the rest of my life.”

“Wouldn’t complain about that.”

“I mean, I noticed that you have a thing for praise.”

Silence.

Brian coughs. “Sorry.”

Chan rubs his red cheeks. “No, it’s fine.” 

After all, Brian is not wrong. Chan has never thought much about receiving compliments regarding his appearance. And yes. It should not matter that much but it does boost his confidence. He usually only craves for encouragement related to music - this is all he works and lives for. To receive simple compliments like “You’re beautiful” causes his heart to do flips. It is nice to take a break from his daily worries by focusing on insignificant things like looks.

They split the tasks, so Brian cooks rice and cuts the vegetables while Chan is responsible for the beef soup. Music plays in the background to keep awkwardness from setting in. The way they talk to each other is light-hearted and uncomplicated, which surprises Chan. After everything he thought that it might get tense between them. 

But it is almost like before. 

Chan sautés the marinated beef strips and nearly drools at the smell. He adds some water and lets the soup boil. It seems incredibly domestic to stand with Brian here, cooking, talking, sharing some gazes that seem almost loving.

Chan can just pretend that every day is like this. That he wakes up in Brian’s arms and kisses him whenever he wants, says “I love you” whenever he feels the need to, buys groceries for gukbap whenever he wants to spoil his pretend-lover. Pretending is easy because just thinking about it does not overstep any boundaries, limits or rules. There are no consequences for doing that.

“What are you thinking about?” After having put vegetables into the soup, Brian loops his arms around Chan’s waist. 

"That you look good cooking," Chan replies, "Your future wife is so lucky." He just wants to joke around for a bit but he knows that Brian has an ideal type and Chan is nothing of that. Which should not be a problem. Not at all. 

"Chan …" 

"Look, the soup's finished." Chan wiggles himself out of Brian's arms to turn off the oven. "Come on, I'm hungry." 

They set the table silently and refine their meals. It is a satisfying result, given that they have not done that in a while. 

"Well, enjoy," Chan says and just starts eating without waiting for Brian. 

"You're so-" Brian laughs. "No respect for your hyung!" 

"Oh, I’m _so_ fucking respectful, don't you see?" Chan responds while shoving a spoon full of rice into his mouth. 

Brian snorts with laughter and grabs Chan's hand to intertwine their fingers. "Thank you for bringing the groceries." 

"Don't mention it."

"Do you want to watch a film later?" 

Chan does like watching films, especially with Brian. Nonetheless, he shakes his head. "I just want to talk and cuddle," he admits.

"Uh, yeah. That's fine too." 

They finish eating, clean up and then return to Brian's room. 

Chan lays down with his arms crossed behind his head. Usually he would have eaten more (a lot more) but his stomach feels already heavy. He feels odd and uncomfortable without knowing why. Maybe because of the stupid, unnecessary wife-comment he dropped. It probably made him realize that there might be nothing sustainable about their current relationship.

Chan is not a beautiful, tall woman with long hair, who could enrich Brian’s life by bearing children. And he knows that Brian deserves to live the kind of life he mentioned once or twice. A comfortable, nice life with a family, in their own house, playing with his children and giving his wife goodnight kisses. 

Perhaps Chan has not yet developed the maturity to have those kinds of wishes.

Brian leans against the wall and puts his hand on Chan's knee. "So, what do you want to talk about?" He circles his thumb over his leg.

"Songwriting." 

Brian gasps. "What a shocker." 

Chan smiles. "Yeah, I want to improve my Korean songwriting."

"You literally sound like a native." Brian frowns. 

"It’s different when I write. You have a smart way with words," Chan mumbles. 

"Hm, you mean that I'm good at flirting?" 

Chan rolls his eyes and smiles, amused. He kicks Brian lightly and crosses his legs. "I mean your metaphors and the sayings you use." 

Brian shrugs lightly and lies down onto his stomach between Chan's legs. He kisses the insides of them and travels towards his crotch very slowly. "I'm mostly inspired by my personal life," he whispers, "And well, I use dictionaries." 

Chan chuckles but bites his tongue when Brian places small kisses between his legs. 

Brian’s hands hold onto both of his thighs, squeezing and massaging them. "Do you still want to sleep with me?" he murmurs. 

Chan hooks his legs around Brian's neck to pull it gently. He briefly remembers asking for sex before, a long time ago. Maybe when he was 19. It feels like ages already. They have never crossed that line between fingering and actual sex although he finds it ridiculous.

"Do you think that I would change my mind just after a few days?" he huffs and sinks his head into the pillow. 

“No, you’re very stubborn.”

“Right …” Chan hopes that it is a good thing that he does not want to let go of … whatever this is. 

Lazily Brian covers his legs with an indefinite number of kisses, taking his time to find the ideal spots to leave another brush of his lips against the fabric. Although the touches are light and tender, they are enough to spark Chan’s arousal. 

Brian sits up and looks at him, beginning at his face and then wandering downwards. “You only wear black. Always” he states the ridiculously obvious. 

As he unzips the dark pants he locks his eyes’ with Chan's, asking silently for permission to proceed. 

Chan starts wiggling his hips, helping him to get rid of the piece of clothes. He sits up and lifts his arms when Brian pulls on the hems of his wide sleeves. Shyly, he crosses his arms in front of his chest again.

“Why do you keep doing this?” Brian whispers and runs his lips along the pale shoulder. He pushes Chan down and tries to loosen the grip. 

“Because you always stare so much,” Chan mumbles, “I mean … you used to stare so much. Whatever.” 

Suddenly, confusion takes over his mind and he closes his eyes to rethink this choice once again. On the one hand there are enough rational reasons to resist, to object, to say _something_ right here, right now. But on the other hand, his inner voices of want and longing shout loud enough to shut every sense of logic out. 

It is awkwardly silent and Chan does not know what to do now. So he just tugs on Brian’s shirt as a mute request that he should undress as well.

“Wait, let’s play music,” Brian suggests and takes his phone to pick another playlist. 

Chan does not object because it is their thing. Playing music whenever they try to drown out their thoughts of responsibility. It is easier to cross barriers if there is a rhythm to guide them. 

He loops his arms around Brian’s neck and hugs him tightly, breathing in the fresh scent of Brian's shower gel. “I missed this,” he whispers, not knowing what exactly he is referring to. 

“Yeah, me too.” Brian fondles Chan’s hips with both of his hands, up his back and to his shoulder blades. He gives them a light squeeze and smiles at the way Chan back curves into his palm.

“I’m sorry for making things complicated.”

Brian does not answer. Instead he kisses Chan’s sensitive neck, biting down lightly. His teeth leave traces for a short time, so they can pretend that he is allowed to leave marks. 

Their exchange of kisses, touches, breaths against each other’s skin feels like two leaves twirling in the wind. They never stay in one place for too long, anxious that the moment could fade any second if they are too obvious about the mutual want, which is more than physical.

It is not the first time that they have touched each other like this, but it has been a while. So it is not surprising that their movements are bumbling and that one of them always looks away whenever the other has to either adjust the position or wants to get rid of another piece of clothes. There is no one else around to see it, though, so it does not bother either of them that the pace is stumbling and insecure. What happens behind closed doors stays there. This is a rule which has been established over years. 

Chan lies beneath Brian, legs spread and breathless, his face red and his fingers cramping around fistfuls of sheets as he is worked open by one finger. He should feel more relaxed, after all he thought about preparing himself not only mentally. It is nearly hilarious how much time he spent in the shower, cleaning himself inside and outside, eventually fingering himself to make things easier for Brian. 

Every time, Brian hesitated because he does not want to rob anything from Chan, whose life has been dominated by JYP Entertainment since he was 14 years old. Chan has a wide spectrum of knowledge when it comes to production, music genres and performing, but the only experiences he has ever had with sex or anything close to a romance have been with Brian.

_“Don’t you want to wait until the right person comes?”_

The same question.

Every. Single. Time. 

_“I don’t wait for the right person to come because I decide who the right one is.”_

Chan still stands with this statement. 

Brian curls his finger a bit and elicits a gasp from Chan. A spark explodes in his abdomen, in his legs, in his chest, actually Chan cannot even distinguish the source. 

“More,” he moans, unable to form a proper sentence. Technically it is just another finger in his ass, but as he clenches around Brian he feels like he could simply suck him in, keep him there forever. That is probably pathetic and pointless. But again: pretending is so damn easy. 

Brian proceeds patiently, adding more fingers with considerate breaks in between. His free hand draws invisible patterns on Chan’s stomach, which contracts with every jolt of pleasure that snaps through his body. 

“I’m about to come,” Chan announces with a broken voice and tries to grab Brian’s arm but misses. 

“Isn’t that the point?” Brian kisses his knee with a mocking smile.

Chan is aware that this is a lame callback to his own words and fucking hell, it makes him incredibly mad. “No, the point is that you’re in me when I do so.” 

Brian still takes his time to stretch Chan open, but he at least tries to avoid his prostate to spare him a bit. Soothingly he rubs Chan’s hip with his thumb, fondly smiling at the expectant face. Chan looks like a puppy when he tilts his head, silently asking _You done now?_

Brian pulls his fingers back and leans over to the bedside table, blindly reaching into the drawer to fish out a tube and several packages of condoms, which he accidentally throws across the whole bed.

Chan bursts out into laughter and picks one of them to rip it open. After a few failed attempts with jittery fingers, he manages to roll it over Brian’s erection. He keeps hold of Brian’s length and guides it to his own entrance.

“Eager, aren’t we?”

“Shut up, I’ve been waiting for years,” Chan mutters and hisses as his rim stretches around the tip. 

“Easy.” Brian takes over because he fears that Chan might just hurt himself out of impatience. He distracts him from the unpleasant burning by kissing him, slow and intense. 

Chan feels protected and warm, caged between Brian’s arms, which are planted on both sides of his head. He returns the kiss enthusiastically, sliding his tongue against Brian’s and bumping their teeth together from time to time. He twitches uncontrollably when Brian’s hips press against his bum, admitting that he did need that extra time Brian took for stretching him. 

The pulsing, the girth, the heat is so different from Brian’s fingers and Chan decides without hesitating another second that he will never be able to feel complete like this. Even now he fears for the moment the two of them will separate. He clings to Brian’s shoulders, digging his fingernails into the skin there.

“I won’t go anywhere,” Brian chuckles and kisses his neck, his collarbones, his shoulders and then his chest. Softly, he sucks some light red spots there.

“You can’t leave marks,” Chan complains with a hoarse voice. 

“Nobody will see though.” Nevertheless, Brian stops and begins moving his hips cautiously, dragging his length gently along Chan’s walls. 

Chan rolls his eyes back, stuttering an overwhelmed row of broken _a-ahh_ noises and grabbing Brian’s hair. He arches his back in the most beautiful way, inviting Brian to touch it more because this much contact is still not enough. 

As soon as Brian starts moving, “Thinking Out Loud” begins to play. Instantly he stops and listens before giggling. “How romantic,” he jokes and kisses Chan’s cheek. 

Chan feels how hot his ears become. He has no idea how to survive the steady thrusts while such a pure love song is sounding through the room. It is embarrassing to fill the breaks of the singing with his own moans, but at the same time, it fuels his desire to be closer to Brian. He closes his eyes and focuses on Brian’s hands which rest on his hip, Brian’s breath which tingles his Adam’s apple, Brian’s dick which presses in further and further. 

Brian straightens up, leaving Chan’s face and neck cold. He grabs Chan’s thighs and pushes them further apart and finally, _finally_ he frees Chan from his anticipation by deepening his thrusts. Steadily his composure dwindles in order to fuck Chan properly. He shifts his hips experimentally to search for a better angle. 

When Chan throws himself back into the mattress, moaning loudly and curling his toes he knows that he found what he has been searching for. He leans forward again to smother Chan’s puffy, red lips with another kiss.

Chan takes revenge for the soft marks on his chest by dragging his fingernails down Brian’s back, causing Brian to hiss. He receives an immediate response as Brian tightens his grip around the milky thighs to leave bruised evidence of their act. 

Brian forgets to breathe when they make eye contact. 

Chan falls apart beautifully while trying to press himself down onto Brian’s dick, a bit uncoordinated as he also tries to reach for another kiss. However, he throws his head back as Brian increases the speed, which adds to the soundscape in this room with the creaking of the bed, their skin slapping against each other and groans paired with desperate moans. 

With one final sharp thrust Brian releases his tension, taking Chan over the edge as well by pumping his dick a few times, observing how the white stains add to the beautiful sight in front him. He finishes it by sucking on Chan’s chest. A dark, red hickey blooms on the pale skin and Brian cannot resist to kiss it soothingly.

Chan’s breathing comes in staccato which does not fit the rhythm of the song at all, but it is still music to Brian’s ears. 

Brian pulls out, disposes of the filled condom and takes some tissues to wipe Chan clean before anything could dry. He slumps down next to Chan and puts his arm over Chan’s stomach. Satisfied, he closes his eyes, feeling kisses beneath his jawline. 

Chan coils up in Brian’s embrace and nuzzles his nose into the crook of his neck. He feels the need to be held or else he would probably break apart. The aftermath of his orgasm leaves him vulnerable and maybe a bit lost hence he presses himself against Brian until not even a postage stamp would fit in between them. 

In that exact moment “I Need Somebody” plays. 

Chan gives in and starts crying, smearing his tears against Brian’s sweaty, already salty skin. 

Brian does not say anything. Maybe he is afraid to do so, but it is better like this because no words in the world could hold Chan better than the arms around his quivering body. 

* * *

The amount they meet each other in the next few weeks could be considered unhealthy. 

Chan almost feels guilty, because he is sneaking out constantly to drag Brian into silent corners for messy makeout sessions, getting some of the frustration out of his system.

He has this weird balance between working, eating, maybe sleeping a bit and throwing himself into Brian’s arms. They either talk a lot or not at all. If the latter occurs it always ends in having messy hair, irritated lips and a hurting hard-on inside of their pants. There is not always enough time to get off, but that is not the point. 

The point is that Chan has the opportunity to be _that_ close to somebody he cares about. And that somebody happens to be Brian; how lucky can he be? 

When Brian had moved out, they had promised to stay in touch, but to Chan it was clear that there was no way to prevent their breaking relationship. Yet he had maintained his happy face and said, “I hope that I can visit you soon!”

But nobody ever has time during and after debut. Every time he asks himself where it went wrong with them, he tries to compare Brian to his other friends who left him. What happened to Brian? 

The same damn thing which happens to everyone … except Chan.

The other Stray Kids members become suspicious, and some even start asking questions. Chan always tells them he is just going back to the company. 

Technically it is never a lie. There is no chance of them going out on casual dates like a normal couple. They are not normal, after all. Furthermore, there is no way they would not be noticed. It is dangerous to walk around carelessly, and neither of them needs scandals. 

Besides, the company building is like a second home to Chan. For him it is a good place; he knows every floor, every room, every corner, every speck of dust. Therefore, he does not mind spending time with Brian there. Actually, the wave of nostalgia inside of him is intoxicating. 

He suppresses a giggle as he kneels underneath a table, listening to the footsteps which echo through the cafeteria. He presses a hand over his mouth and crawls a bit further away, the soles of his shoes squeaking quietly. Then he pauses, trying to detect where the steps are coming from. 

But he does not hear anything.

He stays in place, his heart beating in his throat. Hesitantly he looks around to maybe catch some feet. He turns around and screams when he discovers Brian, who crouches at the other side of the table, grinning at him.

Chan rolls to the side and hurries to get away from him. 

Immediately Brian picks up the hunt and chases Chan through the whole cafeteria, dodging tables and chairs, sometimes even climbing over them to reach his prey faster. 

Chan cannot suppress his laughter and brushes the branches of the potted plants aside, hoping that he will reach the exit soon enough. His plan is thwarted as two arms wrap around his waist and hold him back. 

“Nooo, please have mercy!” he shouts, still laughing uncontrollably until his tummy hurts.

Brian swings Chan around in his arms, hailing his own victory. “You’ve been bad and you deserve a penalty,” he growls in a dramatic voice.

Chan turns around in his arms and pushes Brian’s face away with the palm of his hand. “I want a rematch.”

“Too bad because I want a kiss. I deserve that treat, don’t you think?” With that Brian leans forward and connects their lips for a kiss which is open-mouthed and airy because Chan cannot stop laughing. 

“You’re tickling me!” Chan complains, grabbing Brian’s hands. His cheeks are rosy from the run and his breathing tries to find a steady pattern again. His eyes are wide from the adrenaline which still flows through his body like a tsunami. 

Brian brushes through his hair and kisses him once again, softer this time. The way he holds Chan’s face in both of his hands _always_ gets Chan. 

That is probably not how friends with benefits treat each other, so Chan does not even dare to title their bond in some way. There are no strings attached yet they are extremely close, Chan inhaling what Brian exhales. It is bad, so fucking bad to be dependent like this but Chan enjoys every single second of it. 

“Hm, I feel like having coffee,” Brian says after breaking apart.

“I don’t drink coffee.”

Surprised Brian looks at him. “You still don’t? You haven’t changed much, huh?”

Chan’s gaze darkens. “I don’t know … you tell me.” Sometimes he likes to pretend that something has changed between them after having slept multiple times with each other. But maybe he stays the dongsaeng Brian has been caring about for years before being forgotten in favour of Brian’s career (and Chan cannot blame him at all). 

Chan likes to think that he is more mature, grown up, wiser now but then he realizes that there is still that gap between them. And he fears that it will never go away. Age differences do not become smaller after time either.

“I mean … no, you obviously changed, but there are still those … things,” Brian tries to explain.

“Things,” Chan repeats, “For instance?”

“You’re still irresistibly cute,” Brian mocks him lovingly and caresses his back, “You can drink tea or hot chocolate if you don’t want coffee.”

“Yeah, but the cafeteria is closed in case you didn’t notice,” Chan responds and lifts an eyebrow.

“True, that’s why we’ll go out to grab some coffee.”

Chan’s heart sinks down in his chest. Are they not overstepping some sort of line? He would have no problem if it was really just a cup of coffee. But that right now feels like just another name for a date. 

“Or if you’re not down for that we can do something different,” Brian hurries to say. 

Chan shrugs lightly. “I just don’t want your managers to see us,” he teases.

Brian sighs. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not mad anymore?”

That does not assuage Chan’s guilt. He feels like a burden because he wants to be taken care of. His feelings contradict with each other so much that he cannot tell where his morals are hiding. 

“Chan?”

Chan opens Brian’s belt and sneaks a hand under his waistband, latching his mouth onto Brian’s neck. It is horrible how he always jumps to sexual actions to find an outlet for his confusing emotions, but he simply does not have the strength to deal with them properly. He wants a break from his daily routine, and sex is perfect to let off steam. He should be satisfied, _happy._

“Chan.” Brian holds his wrist. “You can’t just do that while we’re standing in the cafeteria.”

Chan sighs and takes his hand to lead him to the toilets nearby. He is too exhausted to discuss any further and allures Brian with pleading gazes and entrancing touches all over his body. It is so easy for him to appear desirable, but it is not enough. He wants verbal confirmation, but he is not brave enough to demand something like that.

It feels good to be pressed against the wall of the cubicle, his back melting at the warmth of Brian’s body, which brushes against his own repeatedly. In contrast, his chest shudders at the chill of the door, which rubs against his hardening nipples and his dick. Uncontrollable moans stumble over his lips as he tries to find some grip, but his sweaty palms glide over any kind of surface. He senses how Brian has problems with holding back his own noises, muffling them by biting into Chan’s shoulder and leaving marks. 

It only increases Chan’s awareness, drilling every little point of contact into his mind. He cries out as Brian hits his sweet spot mercilessly. They know each other's bodies nearly as well as their own. Chan has no idea whether it is normal to feel that fulfilled just by being stuffed, but he is sure that nobody does it like Brian.

“You’re always so tight for me,” Brian hisses and licks a stripe along Chan’s neck, before biting down and sucking.

Chan does not care that he needs to hide the hickeys. For now it only matters how his legs are about to give out, not able to hold his weight while being pounded against the door.

Brian holds his hips, the pace of his thrusts stuttering before he releases inside of the condom. 

The friction from being fucked against the cubicle is enough to drive Chan crazy. He groans and ejaculates against the door without even touching himself.

“God, you’re amazing,” Brian whispers directly into Chan’s ear. 

But Chan does not feel amazing. He feels shady, clingy and most importantly guilty. 

* * *

It is painful for Chan to minimize contact with Brian, but it is better like this. 

One night he simply realizes that he cannot take this anymore. He is so done with pretending that everything is fine the way it is now. Sure, the sex feels great and has only become better with passing time as they get to know each other in a more intimate way.

Regardless, he starts responding late to Brian’s messages, spending only as much time as necessary at the company and using the back door to remain unseen. It is absolutely ridiculous. He could talk it out to face the consequences. 

But that is the problem. The whole point of pretending is _not_ dealing with an aftermath for his actions. And just because of his stupid feelings he might lose that privilege. 

All Chan wants is to wake up next to Brian in peace. He is sick of the secrecy. He does not want to fuck on toilets, in practice rooms or dance studios. It feels like nothing. In the moment of heat and excitement when they connect, he thinks that it might work. That they do care about each other, that they want to stay with each other, that they are attached to each other with _some_ sort of bond. 

But as soon as Brian knots the condom and throws it away it also feels like he has thrown away that moment of intimacy. Everything just returns back to normal and Chan has no opportunity to just calm down from the way he has been held down and fucked senseless. 

It feels beyond amazing every time, but as soon as Brian leaves he feels empty. Not only physically, but most importantly emotionally. _He_ is the one who leaves the room with a gaping hole in his chest, and it feels lonelier than before he got rid of his clothes.

“I have no idea what’s wrong with you but if you want to talk about it, then I’m here for you.”

Chan guides his gaze away from the screen of his laptop to face Felix, who is sitting across him on the bed. 

“I’m fine.” At some point Chan stopped counting how many times he said this particular sentence without meaning it. 

“You’re not.” Felix stands up and sits down on the edge of Chan's bed. He hesitates and then offers, “You want to cuddle?” Usually he does not suggest something like that out of the blue, so Chan must look pretty desperate and sad. 

Chan sets his laptop aside and nearly knocks Felix over as he slumps against him, burying his face in Felix's hoodie. He does not have the strength to talk about his problems, as always, so they just hold each other. It feels so good to be in someone’s arms without fearing any complications. This right here is honest. 

Felix wants to hold him out of care and love. Moreover, he is very clear about his intentions, he always is that genuine. 

Chan catches himself tearing up as his thoughts only become messier. Is that the problem? That he does not know what Brian actually thinks? He sniffs and lifts his head a bit.

“Looks like you realized something,” Felix murmurs. His deep voice vibrates, basically massaging Chan’s aching chest, which is pressed against Felix's. 

“Yeah, kinda.” Chan gazes up. “It’s stupid to lock feelings away.”

Felix blinks and smiles. “True. Kind of weird to hear that from you.” 

Playfully Chan hits him against the arm with his flat hand. “What do you mean by that?”

“You can be quite withdrawn.” Felix bites his lips, potentially regretting what he has said. “It’s not that you’re not sincere. More like … uh, maybe a bit anxious.” 

Surprised, Chan looks at him. This is the first time that someone has ever addressed that issue directly, so those are some brave words coming from Felix. He puts on a light smile, a pinch of bittersweetness in it. “I get what you mean. Thank you.” 

He genuinely intends to approach Brian as soon as possible, but work has bad timing as always. Consequently, he is caught up in it for the next entire week, barely catching a break. The thought of solving their mute conflict lingers in the back of his head, but he does not have the freedom to put it into action. Perhaps if he had a moment to think he could find a solution, but his energy bar is almost completely drained.

In the end, he does not need to think about finding the right opportunity to talk to Brian because the other barges in late one night as Chan is working on another arrangement for a solo project. 

Chan grabs his chest and exhales, a bit annoyed. “Never heard of knocking?” 

He does not mean to be snappy, but he slept two hours the night before and his hands keep shaking because he forgot to bring something to eat and drink. 

“You’ve been ignoring me,” Brian starts off the conversation without any smooth introduction, slamming the door behind him. It is not aggressive, but firm and determined. He has probably been fighting with his inner demons this whole time as well. 

“If you’re only here for sex then you can go,” Chan says with a surprisingly neutral voice, “I’m busy right now.” There is some sort of satisfaction because this evilly rotten side of him wishes that Brian understands how rejected he felt back when he was left behind.

“Chan … why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’?” Chan does not even face Brian and keeps working.

“Why do you think that I’m here just for sex?” 

Chan stops and gazes over his shoulder. “Because you only started caring again when I offered you to suck your dick,” he mumbles and closes his eyes. It feels like a thin string is wrapped around his throat, being pulled tighter with every word he says.

"That's not true." Brian is seemingly confused. "I've been caring for _years._ Do you think I only kissed you back out of curiosity?" He takes a step forward. "I had to hold back for so long because I thought that you were not ready to decide whether this was some phase of yours or serious. You have to remember that I'm still the older one. It is me who has to be responsible."

"Responsible? So fucking me in every room of this building is your way of being _responsible?”_ Chan slams his hand onto the tabletop in growing frustration. 

He is very aware of the fact that he is being unfair. But it is easier like this. He needs to find reasons to talk down both their feelings so it does not hurt too much. Taking their careers into account, the only right thing to do is confuse Brian, to make him frustrated so he would drop Chan and do what is best for both of them. 

“You didn’t seem opposed to that,” Brian argues, “Chan, I don’t understand what your problem is.” 

“My problem is that I’m trying to work right now and you’re here just to yell at me.” He feels Brian’s presence against his back and stares tensely at his program, only to find Brian’s angry expression reflected on the screen. 

“Stand up. Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

Chan takes his hand off the mouse and moves his laptop to the side. Slowly he rises and turns around before sitting on the edge of the table. “Talk.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Chan wants to answer with “No” but that would be a lie. Taken aback he stares at Brian and frowns. He tries to sort his thoughts and remembers the conversation with Felix. 

_Come on, be honest, Chan._

“You should be able to answer that question.”

Confused and also a bit irritated Brian looks at him. He has every right to be, because Chan is being very cryptic. “What?”

“I’m basically doing the same thing you did. Remember? You promised that your debut wouldn’t change anything between us but every time I tried to come to you …” Chan swallows and holds onto the table, his knuckles turning white. 

Brian stares at him in disbelief. “That’s not fair. You know that my father retired after I'd signed my contract. And I needed to be responsible for my team. You should understand that better than anyone else.”

“But why did you never say so? You only …” Chan grits his teeth. “You know what? Just _fuck off_. I don’t want to see you anymore.” 

His eyes widen as he fully grasps what he has just said. In all those ten years of knowing each other, Chan has never once been so disrespectful no matter how angry he was. Hell, Brian is four years older _and_ his sunbaenim. In no world is this behaviour excusable.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers and lowers his head. 

Suddenly he feels a grip on his arm and looks up again. Brian’s gaze pierces through him and he does not know how to react. But it makes him angry. He has just apologized, so why does Brian not even have the guts to respond?

“I said I’m sor-” Chan is interrupted by lips which swallow his words. 

He is shocked to the core. The kiss involves a lot of teeth, tongue, spit, too much and not enough at the same time. It feels strangely liberating to release the wrath seething inside both of them like a volcano by devouring each other. 

It is frightening to watch how Brian loses any kind of temper and grabs Chan’s thighs roughly to push them back until Chan sits fully on the tabletop. “A sorry won’t do. You’ve been hurting me the last two weeks and expect that a single sorry is enough?”

Chan is speechless. There are many witty comments in his head but not a single one of them makes it to his mouth. To make the situation more embarrassing, he senses how his body reacts to the situation and tries to cover his crotch by tugging on the hem of his hoodie.

Brian swats his hands away and pushes his hoodie upwards. “Don’t tell me this is getting you hard. You did that on purpose, right?”

Any kind of rationality in Chan’s brain is burning away and he cannot reply to anything. He whimpers helplessly and clings to Brian’s arms. Never did he think that he would witness Brian’s composure crumbling to expose a rough surface of ragged, ugly emotions which has been locked away for way too long.

Brian nearly rips Chan’s clothes away before marking him all the way from his neck to his shoulders.

Chan is not fast enough to react and sits there, frozen, moaning at the sudden squeeze around his nipples. 

Brian rolls one of them between his thumb and index finger, not stopping although Chan starts squirming beneath him, overstimulated by the pleasure. Any resistance is ripped away when Brian decides to suck on his other nipple hard, with obscene slurping noises that he knows that it will fluster and overwhelm Chan. 

His mouth all over Chan’s body feels celestial, and it is absurd that it was possible for both of them to survive the last weeks without any interactions. They are both starving and act exactly like it when they get rid of the rest of their clothes at an impatient pace. 

“Did you lock the door?” Chan manages to mumble as Brian sucks hickeys on the inside of his pale thighs.

“No,” Brian answers and licks over his skin. Eventually he reaches Chan’s dick and teases it lightly. He loses interest rather quickly when he pulls Chan’s hips even higher to expose Chan’s rim. He sets Chan’s legs on his shoulders and kneels down to gain easier access. 

“Wait but-” Chan’s words get lost as pure pleasure snaps from his abdomen through his spine and reaches his head. He feels dizziness creeping up and presses his fingers against his forehead.

"You didn't mind being here the last time." 

"Yeah, because the door was locked." Chan’s legs twitch as Brian blows against his hole teasingly. It is really late, so the possibility of somebody being in the building is very low. Still, he feels excitement, thinking about being discovered. 

"You're always so smooth," Brian breathes and bites his thighs, appreciating the porcelain like skin. 

Chan whines and holds onto the edge of the table. He feels even more explosions in his abdomen than usual, although he takes Brian's fingers and dick often enough. But just the thought of his tongue down there feels so much more exposing - it frightens him. Nonetheless, he craves for that closeness and starts becoming impatient.

Brian kisses his rim multiple times, and then focuses on the area around it. He lingers at the taint and spends a bunch of time there as if he were relaxing on a cozy Sunday. 

In the meantime Chan is about to go crazy. Small lusty noises escape his mouth while his nails scratch the wood. His back hurts from the way he is bent on the hard tabletop but his arousal makes him forget that kind of pain. All he wants is Brian, no matter which way.

He moans loudly when Brian dips his tongue in. 

Brian chuckles and brushes the broad side of his tongue against Chan's clenching hole. He repeats the motion a few times and continues with light tongue-flicking, only mocking and teasing him. 

"Hyung," Chan complains and scrunches his face up, "That's so mean." 

"You just told me to ‘fuck off’. So who is the mean one?" 

Chan whimpers, frustrated. "I apologized."

"Then try it one more time," Brian demands and circles his thumb around Chan's rim, driving him absolutely insane. 

Chan presses his lips together and throws his head back. He tries to push his hips down but is held back. "Alright, I'm sorry," he growls. 

"What was that?" 

Annoyed, Chan looks at him. "I. Am. Sorry," he spits. It sounds more like an insult than an actual apology. 

"It's 'I am sorry, _hyung’."_

Chan buries his face in his hands and fights the urge to scream. "You're such a pain in the ass." 

"Well, let's find out about that then." Brian presses the tip of his thumb inside until he notices that Chan tenses. "Do you need lube?" 

"Of course!" Chan tries to kick him but Brian catches his foot. 

"I was just kidding." Brian fumbles around in his pockets and takes out a package.

"You say you didn't come for sex, but you still carry this around," Chan huffs. He frowns. "Or do you …" He does not even finish the statement. 

"I don't have sex with others if that's what you're asking," Brian assures and rips the package open. He spreads some lube over Chan's entrance, "I only belong to you."

That sounds too beautiful to be true, but Chan - stupid as he is - believes every single world.

Brian has a certain pattern to work Chan open. Despite his anger he takes his time to prepare Chan, always careful about adding another finger. His grip around Chan's thigh might be bruising, but he guarantees that there is no unnecessary pain while stretching Chan open.

Chan moans at the familiar burn and clenches around nothing, waiting impatiently despite not wanting to admit that he is already wrecked and about to just cry out of want. 

Brian spreads Chan’s legs further apart and holds his tip against Chan’s entrance. 

Chan's head shoots up. "No condom?", he questions. 

"We don’t get tested for no reason." 

That might be true, but they always used condoms because it is just easier to clean up afterwards. So this right here is going to be extremely messy at Chan's _workplace._ How will he ever produce again without having a killing boner?

Chan pants frantically when Brian bottoms out, staring at Chan like always. 

Chan hides his face in the crook of his arm, humiliated by his weakness for Brian. His body tenses, anger bubbling in his stomach. 

Brian begins moving and sets a rough pace from the get go, causing the table to shake. 

Chan arches his back up, staring at the ceiling and zoning out. Again, he is trying to avoid the actual conflict by giving in for another round of sex. But although it is painful he cannot deny that it feels so good to be fucked without any shyness. 

Brian has no resolve to hold back anymore and pounds thoughtlessly into Chan, fucks him like he has always wanted. He is always such a selfless lover, looking out for Chan's pleasure. Now it is about _his_ frustration and _his_ confusion. He takes these feelings out by abusing Chan's sweet spot, the location of which he knows too well. 

Chan loves being able to provide this kind of outlet for Brian. He moans loudly, trembling. He tries to reach out for Brian, who is too far away. It feels like he is glued to the table, taking everything. And he enjoys it. It is utterly blissful to see this kind of dangerous longing in Brian's eyes.

Chan finally knows that he is not the only one who is so desperate.

"I swear, you've been playing around with my feelings too much," Brian grumbles and massages Chan's thighs, then slaps them gently.

Chan's reaction is beyond aroused. His mouth drops open and he basically drools at the soft sting. 

Brian frowns and hits his leg another time. Chan moans shakily and presses both of his hands against his mouth. 

"I can't believe you," Brian huffs before increasing the pace even further until Chan's back is sliding across the table. Occasionally he lands another spank on the inviting legs and marvels at the sight of Chan rolling his eyes back.

"I’m tired," he says suddenly and steps back, his dick slipping out. He pulls Chan to his feet and turns him around, pressing him face down against the table. 

Chan gasps. He cannot not form any coherent thoughts now, so he just waits. 

"You okay?" Brian mumbles under his breath, caressing his back. 

"Just get in me again," Chan grumbles. 

"Bossy, aren't we?" Brian sits on the chair behind him. "Then maybe I should let you do the work." 

Chan turns around, almost offended. But he is too horny to be truly annoyed. He climbs onto Brian's lap and grabs Brian’s dick a bit roughly before guiding it to his hole. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then sinks down with a sharp hiss. Shocked, he receives another slap in response, this time directly on his bum. He pulls Brian's hair, his hips twitching. 

"It wasn't even hard," Brian says, a mischievous smile on his face. 

"I wasn't prepared," Chan defends himself, his back curving when he finally sits fully on Brian's lap. He pants heavily, trying to find a grip somewhere, but the space is limited. 

Another hit on the other side of his butt. 

Chan's legs shake violently as he tries to lift himself up again without slipping from the chair entirely. He even forgets how to breathe, only giving sporadic _Mhhhm_ sounds.

Brian is gracious enough to provide a bit of support by holding the back of his thighs. But his hands rest there anyways after every spank he leaves, so maybe it is not even out of kindness. His eyes travel hungrily over the beautiful line Chan’s body creates whenever it raises up again. 

Every time Chan drops down he trembles uncontrollably. Even so, he tries his best to keep up a steady pace, ignoring the burning in his thighs. The heat is spreading over his whole body. He wonders whether Brian can feel the radiating warmth as well.

Brian runs his hand up Chan’s side until it rests on his collarbone. He robs Chan of his last bit of air by kissing him roughly.

When his fingers brush the front side of Chan’s neck, Chan squirms and leans into the touch.

Brian needs a few moments longer to understand, but then a lightbulb goes off and he wraps his whole hand around Chan’s throat. He gives light pressure and observes how drool drips down on the muscle which connects his index finger and thumb. 

“You like that?” he cooes and drags the thumb from the underside of Chan’s chin down his neck.

Chan sighs and sucks on his bottom lip, knitting his brows. The whole time he has felt like suffocating because of his ignored feelings, so it feels weirdly relieving to choke on something else for once. Especially when it is Brian’s warm hand, which always holds him protectively. 

Chan opens his mouth wide enough to show his soft, pink tongue, but only manages a strangled moan, which glides into a purr. He is too overwhelmed to do anything but circle his hips a bit, holding onto Brian’s wrist.

Brian’s hips buck up and his hands squeeze Chan’s neck. “Can’t believe that you’re into spanking _and_ choking. You’re going to be the death of me,” he growls.

A surprisingly cocky smile forms on Chan’s lips. “Yeah, seems like you were wrong about me the whole time.” He buries his nails into Brian’s thighs, bending forward and crying out when his prostate is hit.

This time Brian does not waste any time and aims precisely for his sweet spot, turning Chan into a moaning mess. 

Chan’s sounds become more pathetic and desperate as the grip around his neck tightens.

“Shit, you just ruined all other sex for me,” Brian whispers. 

Chan whines and leans further into the hold around his neck. Every squeeze elicits a longing sound from his mouth.

Brian lets go of Chan’s neck to replace his fingers with his lips, sucking hickeys all over the skin. He does not care about the marks. Not anymore. 

When he is satisfied with his work, he loops his arms around Chan’s waist and pulls him roughly back as if he was afraid that Chan could disappear any second. He groans as Chan scratches over his back, leaving red trails all over it. He thrusts even harder, chasing his climax. 

“Never leave me again, you stupidhead,” Chan mumbles, his breathing transitioning into desperate gasps for air.

Brian claws onto his hips and spills inside, thrusting in a few more times until he nearly collapses on the chair. 

Chan tries to bite down on his hand when he cums, but is stopped as Brian takes it and kisses his fingertips in something like an apology. The contrast between the gentle touches against his fingers and the explosion in his abdomen makes his head spin. He feels like fainting any second.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he curses and nearly falls back. 

Brian catches him and pulls him back. He looks at Chan’s tired face, questioning what Chan is thinking right now. Or whether he is even able to think at all.

Now that any kind of steam is out of his system Brian’s thoughts are clearer, and he feels a bit guilty when he sees the red, irritated spots on Chan’s thigh. He kisses all over Chan’s shoulder, breathing in the scent. “I’m sorry.”

Chan needs a moment to collect himself. “For what?”

“For everything harmful I said and did to you.” 

It makes no fucking sense to Chan. They have not solved their fight yet. The only thing they did was fuck like rabbits to take their anger out.

But for Brian those few vulnerable words have untangled the mess of his thoughts, at least a bit. Definitely enough to wrap his mind around the complexity of Chan’s feelings.

“Chan?”

“You just fucked my brain to mush. Gimme a break.”

Brian chuckles and helps Chan to stand up. 

A shudder goes through Chan’s body as sperm drips out of his hole and onto Brian’s leg. Chan places his hand over his mouth, wincing, his legs about to collapse again.

“Sorry for … this mess,” Brian apologizes.

“Oh, so now you feel sorry?” Chan grins. He just wants to lay down and sleep, but the sting on his thighs, the way his pelvic muscles cannot stop contracting and the shiver which keeps rolling down his back like an ice storm, hold him back in reality. He clings to the table to steady himself as he looks around for his clothes.

“Slow down.” Brian stands up and wipes himself clean with some tissues. Then he tries to help Chan.

Chan swats his hands away. “Don’t touch me.” 

“Come on,” Brian whispers, “We need to get cleaned up.” 

“You didn’t care the other times. You always just leave when we’re done. Why not this time?” Chan picks up his clothes. His neck is marked all over, his hips are bruised and his sensitive skin becomes redder with every passing moment. 

They have never been this rough with each other, and it feels so wrong to just let him go. Brian wants to hold him, wants to wash him and kiss his bruises.

He wants to make sure that Chan is okay.

“I can't do that anymore … I ... I just _can’t.”_ Chan rolls his hoodie over his bare torso as if he wanted to hide evidence of what just has happened. He pulls his shoulders up, trying to shield himself away from the outer world to sink into shame.

Brian bits his lower lip. “That makes two of us.”

Chan freezes and looks over his shoulder. He seems beyond exhausted yet his eyes flicker with a spark of hope. 

In the end they sneak out of the practice room to shower together.

Brian massages Chan's shoulder blades, kissing along the back of his neck. He almost swallows water but ignores it. The only thing which matters is Chan.

Chan gives into the touches and even returns the few kisses they share as the water pours down on them. He is still confused and overwhelmed, but it feels right to just go with the flow. 

Later Brian dries Chan's hair and smiles as his face is squished in the towel. "You're so cute," he comments, and Chan hides behind the fabric. 

As soon as both of them are clean and dressed again they return to the practice room to collect their stuff. 

Chan shoves his laptop into his backpack, wondering what will happen next. They still have not talked properly, but at least they are not angry anymore. "I’m so fucking hungry,” he says. 

"Language." 

Chan sighs. "You're cute when you're protective, but also incredibly annoying. I'm not the little kid you used to take care of anymore." 

Brian buttons up his jacket. "I know. I'm sorry." 

Chan shoulders his bag and puts on his beanie. The lower part of his body already hurts and he prays that he will be able to walk normally tomorrow. "I'm really hungry,” he repeats.

"Then let's go eat." 

Chan looks at his phone to check the time. "It's like 1 a.m." 

"Yeah, but there's a 24 hour market around here." Brian takes his hand and intertwines their fingers. "Let me treat you."

Chan would love to refuse. His mind is messed up and the bruises on his body remind him of every touch. But when he sees the genuine smile on Brian's face he melts into a pink puddle.

After eating they walk aimlessly through the streets to digest the food. 

Chan clings onto Brian's arm, sighing in content. "Thanks for the food. Next time I'll pay." 

Brian hums. "Sure." 

Chan blushes and looks up to him. "I'm sorry for being an asshole," he finally says, "I shouldn't have avoided you like a stupid coward."

“No, I get it. You were pushing me away because you wanted to protect me.”

Why is Brian so good at breaking Chan’s facade? He hits the bullseye with every word. There is no way to escape from that. 

Chan sighs and fidgets with the hem of his shirt. “Yeah. But it didn’t work.” He swallows and closes his eyes. 

There is no need to hide his feelings for Brian. They are probably obvious anyways, but there is something frightening about actually saying the hard L word out loud. 

Chan shakes his head. It is ridiculous that Brian knows every part of his body but nearly nothing about his emotional condition.

He gulps and whispers, “I’m still in love with you.”

Brian looks at him, surprised, but then smiles. 

Chan expects that he would just keep smiling like this. It would be enough. He is used to mute answers and knows that he should not seek verbal confirmation all the time. It is just not Brian’s thing.

“I feel the same.”

Chan’s heart does a cartwheel, and he forgets that he is supposed to keep breathing. He blinks in disbelief and then looks shyly away. 

Brian takes his hand again and lifts it up to his mouth to kiss the knuckles. “Wasn’t it obvious?”

“Didn’t want my expectations to be so high,” Chan admits. 

Brian accompanies Chan on his way home. It is incredibly hard to say goodbye this night but they somehow manage to let go of each other. 

Their last kiss on Chan’s lips feels cold, yet so much better than those from before. 

As soon as he closes the door behind him he sighs into the darkness of the corridor. 

* * *

It does not get easier. 

They still have to sneak out to hide and find the right moments to be with each other. But there is less pressure from both sides because they know what they are seeking every time they decide to meet. 

They simply want to be with each other, whether that includes sex or not.

Most of the time they just keep each other company, Brian plays guitar for Chan, Chan plays piano for Brian, they sing together or dance along the music coming from Brian’s phone. It is much more intimate than before, as both know what the other thinks when their gazes cross and lock for a few seconds. When their lips brush softly against each other. And when their hands entwine so naturally, like they were just meant to hold each other.

Despite all those happy moments Chan still experiences downfalls, especially when he is alone. 

It takes him several weeks to admit that they cannot keep on like this forever. He feels fulfilled in those moments he spends with Brian. But as soon as there is distance between them, his rationality returns and lingers in his mind until they meet again.

Is it not selfish to be lovers with his hyung? 

Of course it is. If it was only Chan’s own career at risk here, he could maybe live with that. But what about Brian? 

“No, he’s okay with that,” he mumbles into his hoodie sleeve as he curls up in his bed, “He’s okay with that.”

He is able to keep telling himself that until he remembers how Brian’s managers told him to back off. That he is not entitled to enlist Brian whenever he wants to. That they both walk on different paths now. That he needs to learn how to let go. 

Those repressed memories appear again and again, throughout his day or in the night when he tosses and turns in his bed. When he tries to sleep those memories mold into dreams that only make things worse as he loses track of reality.

Brian notices his mental absence and addresses it a few times, but Chan always waves the issue aside. Brian’s frustration grows as Chan becomes more distant again. 

“Let’s play ‘I Spy’,” Brian suggests one night.

Both of them stand by the windowsills in one of the bigger practice rooms. The view from up here is amazing, lights dotting the buildings like fireflies. Chan always likes to come here just to have some peace. He told Brian about the meaning of this place, and was not really expecting to play a game here. But he still agrees. “Why not?”

Brian clears his throat. “Okay, let me start.” He looks around with raised eyebrows. “I spy …” His gaze stops at Chan. “The most beautiful person on earth.”

Chan pushes Brian. “That game’s stupid,” he chuckles.

“I like it a lot. Just like you.” Brian scoots closer and wraps an arm around Chan’s waist. “I’m just glad that I don’t have to lie about my feelings anymore.”

Chan would love to say: “Me too,” but that would be dishonest. Again. 

It is horrible that his thoughts can never rest. There are too many memories from his trainee days that haunt him. They can just appear any moment and ruin his whole day.

“You’re hiding something.”

Chan remains silent. 

“What is it?” 

Chan closes his eyes and sighs heavily. Then he forces them to open again. “It’s nothing.”

“Chan.” Brian’s tone is soft. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

Reluctant, Chan makes eye contact. Spontaneously, he decides to lean in for a kiss. “I’m still mad at you”, he mumbles against Brian’s lips and loops his arms around Brian’s neck. “You left me back then. How can I be sure that it won’t happen again?” He wants to make it sound like a half-joke but the question truly pains him. 

A bit shocked, Brian looks at him. It is the face he always makes when he cannot believe that he screwed up. Is he that oblivious? He is too weak to watch Chan cry, that is probably why he maintains his smile and avoids hurtful situations. 

Because he is good at pretending, and Chan is not.

This exact damn smile is the reason why it is so hard for Chan to be open about his broken heart. It hurts, every day, even more now than it did before because they are closer than ever. And that should make Chan nothing but happy, yet his memories and dreams come for him. He cannot forget how many times Brian neglected any kind of affection, contact, even small talk, worrying more about his debut than his relationship with Chan. 

And again, Chan cannot blame him for his priorities, but he cannot blame himself for feeling this angry and disappointed either. He knows that it is extremely dumb to be so in love with somebody who left him once already, somebody who has every right to do so for the sake of their career.

Brian used to pet his head, calling him “cute” and “so nice”, a perfect, lovely dongsaeng. And although he jumped into Chan’s flirting and kissed him, touched him, claimed all of Chan’s firsts, he always returned back to being uncomplicated. To acting like they were nothing but friends. Maybe he only stands up for his feelings now because he has the privilege to do so. 

But the future is cruel. It can shove its middle finger right into Chan’s face at any time. There is no guarantee that their relationship will last. 

Chan starts laughing, trying to sound light-hearted. “You should see your face. So funny.” He boops Brian’s nose and kisses him once again. “I just wanted to be a bit dramatic. How do you like _that_ game?”

Brian sighs. “You’re unbelievable.” 

Chan shrugs with a little smirk on his face. Then he looks at his wristwatch. “I should go now.” Quickly he grabs his backpack and turns away because he just cannot cry again. It is irrational to hold a grudge against Brian. Everything bad is in the past now - he should enjoy his current life.

But he cannot. He just _cannot._

He hopes that Brian would ask something, _anything_ because Chan is too weak to start talking all by himself.

But there comes nothing, so Chan leaves without saying another word.

* * *

“Did you solve your problems?” Felix asks when Chan sneaks into the kitchen, drawn by the smell of freshly baked brownies.

“Huh? Oh yeah … yeah …” 

“Doesn’t seem like it.” Felix cuts the brownie into even squares and hands one of them to Chan. "Besides, you've been stealing all my turtlenecks lately." 

Chan pulls back, guilt written on his face. 

"I'm not here to judge you. You're old enough to decide for yourself," Felix hurries to say, a bit sheepish that he confronted Chan, his leader, in such a bold way. "I'm just worried." 

"I know," Chan mumbles, "I appreciate it." Although he does not tell Felix any more, the conversation causes him to think again. 

He always tells Brian that he has grown up, so maybe he should act like it and make responsible decisions.

He texts Brian, telling him that he will be busy for a while. It is not even a lie because he _is_ busy with figuring out what to do about their current relationship. He does not want to babble nonsense again just because of his overwhelming emotions, so he needs time to evaluate his feelings.

He thinks that Brian is fine with his excuse until he shows ups at his home two days later.

“We need to talk," he says after Chan has opened the door.

Chan did not expect that Brian would appear in the doorway of his dorm, a zone which is dangerously close to the other members.

 _“Now?”_ he asks although the answer is obvious.

“Now.” Brian enters the corridor and kicks off his shoes before walking in without even asking. 

Chan follows him and holds him back. “Are you crazy? The others are here as well. You can’t just-”

In the next moment Jisung looks around the corner. “Oh! Guys, look who’s here!” 

Chan suppresses a groan as the other members gather in the corridor as well to greet Brian, surprised but also pleased by the unusual visit. 

“Do you want anything to eat or drink?” Felix offers like the sweetheart he is.

Brian refuses. “I just need to talk to Chan if you don’t mind.”

Chan cannot take this anymore and just shoves Brian into his room. Without even explaining to the others he closes the door behind him. “This is ridiculous,” he says as he turns around. 

“Just like you.” Brian takes off his jacket and hangs it over his arm. 

Chan sighs and sits on his bed. 

“I don’t understand you. You said everything is fine but you started ignoring me again.” Brian sits down next to him, frowning. Then he places his hand on Chan’s thigh. “Don’t say that I need to fuck you like the last time to make you talk.”

Chan yelps and pushes his hand away. “What? No.” He scoots away and tries to collect his thoughts. The voices in his head become louder, and his temples throb. He has learned to be more honest, and he tries to be, but where should he even start? 

“If I did something that upset you then-”

“No,” Chan interrupts him and turns his head around to look at him, “I … It’s just …” He sighs loudly. “Just answer me one question.”

Brian lifts his eyebrow and then shrugs. “Sure.”

Chan exhales audibly and swallows probably his last bit of boldness, because his knees feel like pudding right now. 

“Chan?”

Chan looks at his hands and sighs once more to play for time. But there is no escape, and he knows that. “Do you think … that this between us is serious?”

Brian’s face shows that he does not understand the question. “What do you mean?”

Chan rocks back and forth. “Do you think that this will last?” He holds eye contact, although he has the feeling that he is about to cry any second and he hates it. 

“I …” Brian pauses.

“Because what’s the point if we both know that it won’t last?” Chan questions further. The weight from his heart is lifted, but all that is left is a gaping hole in his chest. 

“So you were serious about that question when we were together the last time,” Brian mumbles, “You should’ve told me sooner.” He frowns and looks at Chan suspiciously. “I mean, we’re both stuck in our careers. But it won’t be like this forever. I … I haven’t really thought about the future yet.”

Of course not.

Chan shakes his head, disappointed. What did he expect? It is better to let go now. Maybe. He does not know. He knows nothing. 

“It’s difficult right now but maybe we can wait,” Brian suggests.

“Wait for what?” Chan asks scornfully.

Brian shrugs lightly. “For the right moment.”

Chan shakes his head lightly. “The only thing I do is to wait.”

“I’m sorry, but for now I can only tell you what I feel for you.”

“To be honest, I don’t know about that.” Chan’s chest contracts painfully and he sinks further into his curled up pose. 

“Don’t you want to try?” Brian asks softly and brushes his fingertips carefully along Chan’s arm.

“I don’t even know if I have the strength to try,” Chan says slowly, trying to keep his thoughts and words synchronized, “You deserve better.”

“What?” Brian sighs. “Chan, don’t make this more complicated than necessary. I’ve already told you how I feel about you. Do you think I kiss and have sex with just anyone? You don’t need to act selfless. I know that you are.”

Chan lets his shoulders sink. He is everything but selfless. “I just think … I keep remembering what you said back then. When I asked you what you want to do after your career.”

Obviously Brian does not know what exact moment Chan is referring to.

“You said you wanted a family with a wife and kids ... _your_ kids. A peaceful life without worries.” Chan swallows and pulls his knees to his chest. “I’m nothing of that. I can’t give you that. The only thing I do is to take from you.” 

Brian does not even know how to respond.

“I’m just so sick of doubting everything.” Deep down, Chan wishes that Brian would assure him that he did not need a wife and kids, that Chan was all he was looking for in a partner and important enough to change his life goals. 

But that has never happened. No matter what Chan did Brian stayed the way he was and still is. 

Chan has to accept that he is not able to be important enough. He is important enough to spend time with, to be kissed and held. And, well, the sex is not bad either which is a bonus. 

That is why Brian is sitting here because these things are great and he wants to keep them. Not to commit to a serious relationship though. Thinking about the future is scary after all.

Again, Chan is not his ideal type. He is desirable for _now._ And now can be over any second. 

Brian pulls his hand back. “So …”

Shakily Chan breathes out. “So maybe it’d be better to just forget it. I don’t think … it’ll work out.” He does not even dare to look up because he cannot stand seeing Brian’s face.

“Do you mean it?”

Chan would have loved to say “no” because that is the truth. He wants to believe in some sort of romantic bond which ties them together. They could have drifted apart so many times, but they keep coming back together. Life has attempted to separate them over and over again yet they are here. There is some strength planted inside both of them because they have been fighting against their fate all this time.

But how selfish would it be if he claimed Brian for himself and made them both suffer longer than necessary? There is no guarantee that it will work out in the end. They keep pushing, pulling, adjusting, trying again and again and again. 

He closes his eyes and lowers his head. “Yes,” he whispers. 

Brian untangles his folded arms and hooks his index finger beneath Chan’s chin and puts the thumb below his bottom lip to lift his head up. Sternly he drills his gaze into Chan. “But you said you had feelings for me,” he whispers. 

“I did.” Chan tries to think of something, anything. Words which would hurt Brian for his better sake. “But maybe I just felt lonely at the moment. And you were there and nice to m-” His words are choked off as Brian kisses him, pushing him into the mattress. 

“You don’t mean it,” Brian mumbles as his lips travel along his neck. He fumbles with Chan’s belt and sucks on the skin. "I know that you don't." 

Chan wants to drown in his touches but he cannot keep that vicious cycle. It is killing him. He sighs and turns his head away, lying there boneless like a shattered doll.

“Tell me, you don’t mean it.”

“But I do,” Chan croaks.

“I don’t believe you.” Brian’s voice is shaking. 

Chan exhales and stares up to the ceiling, ignoring Brian’s touches and kisses on his skin. He is incredibly tired and wishes that he could simply vanish, forget about his worries. It is somehow ironic. He approached Brian to flee from his responsibilities. But being here is the biggest responsibility he has taken so far. 

“I love you,” Brian mutters and looks up into Chan’s face, which seems dead. “I love you,” he repeats, “I always did.” He caresses Chan’s stomach, circling his thumb slowly over the exposed skin. “Please. Forgive me.”

Chan just stares at him, unable to answer. Too many voices ramble inside of his head, screaming different responses, but none of them are right or wrong. It is a maelstrom of fear, insecurities, wants, egomania, regret, rage, sorrow and despair. 

Chan can distinguish the loudest one.

_I love you too._

It is so fucked up. He has been dreaming of receiving such a vulnerable confession from Brian for so long, a confession so genuine and sweet and honest - it is everything he could have wished for. But his paranoia and fear poisons every hint of joy in his face and body language. 

Brian backs off, his lips forming a thin line.

The first time in all these years Chan sees him _crying._ Tears form at the corners of his eyes and then run down his cheeks. Pure grief is carved in his face, his lower lip trembling while he grits his teeth. “Okay,” he repeats, quieter, “I got it.” 

He stands and picks up his jacket from the floor, turns around and crosses the room. With a shaking hand he opens the door and steps over the threshold. 

Chan sits up, stares at Brian’s back, his hands clenching to fists. Everything inside of him is a roaring, screaming, destructive mess and there is no way that he can pick the right voice out from thousands. Maybe there is not a right one after all. 

_I don’t wait for the right person to come because I decide who the right one is._

“Hyung, wait.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can yell at me on these social media platforms:
> 
> [my twitter account](https://twitter.com/mnchns_diamond)  
> [my cc account](https://curiouscat.qa/mnchns_diamond)  
> 


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